REFLECTIONS--days at college

Finally what I had been waiting impatiently for these last 5 years is just a few days away. I had wanted the end to come so very badly and that’s what I have got. But am I happy? I don’t know for sure…

It’s a pity that man who has transcended such great heights in various fields of technology hasn’t yet been able to invent a ‘dam’ powerful enough to check the flow of TIME. If such a thing had been invented and if it was within my power to use it, maybe I would have used it….. just this once.

I have always been excitedly dreaming and planning in much detail about my future life, when I should have been enjoying my days at college. Here at college, I have had my share of joys too, yet, I had always wanted to experience what lay beyond. And now that day is slowly dawning , peeking at me from the horizon… The time is ripe to grasp my carefully woven dreams and turn them into reality. All that excitement I had buried deep within me during those 5 years of waiting…is it still there? Am I really full of confidence and happiness as I had expected ? Is there truly a tiny, barely audible voice telling me that , while I am getting what I had wanted all along, I am losing something precious in turn….Or is it my imagination playing tricks on me?

I never thought I would feel this way. Me, who has always been distinct.

I have had 5 years of college life. And until now I had thought I have had more than my share. College days are said to be the most valuable days in one’s life. Everyone says so. I have heard it repeated often enough. Uncles, aunties, grandpas and grandmas-they all miss it. It’s the days of their youth, liberation and hell lot of revolutions after all. I don’t blame them. But, I have always yearned to be a complete adult ,to earn my own living, to finally stand on my own legs. And finishing my studies and GETTING OVER with my post graduation was my first priority. I have never been addicted to my life at college, like so many of my fellow beings. I have boasted about it to my close friends( only close friends since others would surely mistake it for detachment).

But time has proven that I belong to the brood. As much as might try to be different, I have been chiseled from a similar block of stone. I haven’t escaped at all. I can feel that element of uneasiness all too clearly. I didn’t want this to happen. This wasn’t what I had planned all along. I thought I would be the happiest person to leave all this behind and take that first step forward towards my actual adulthood.

I am confused. Does that throbbing of my heart mean happiness or am I unhappy? That old thrill is indeed there when I think of my future. I am nervous too, now that I have to leave the shelter and protection of my parents and look at my life face- to-face. There would be new responsibilities too. Because every coin has two sides. YIPPIES !!!! ….My life…with independence …taking my own decisions…..earning my own living…that first salary….becoming an earning member of my family…learning to protect my parents and ceasing to be someone who needs protection….I have landed up with a job too already…campus selection… in a reputed firm with a bulky pay sum…. Of course, there is reason to be happy…

But 5years isn’t a short period of time. Knowingly or unknowingly, its easy to get attached to a place that has provided you shelter for so long. The breathtakingly beautiful landscape, the bluish-green hills, the fog covered hilltops, the green fields which turn golden yellow at the time of harvest as if an unseen artist had been at work, the frequent gong of bells from the nearby temple on the left, the mosque on the right ……and perched somewhere in between is my home for the past 5 years.

I still remember my first glimpse of this place. I was delighted with the sheer beauty of the place. It was wonderful, and the landscape…. it was mesmerizing. It was a time when I had felt that I needed a break from my hometown and I fell in love with this place at first sight. But as the days passed my initial excitement grew damp. My days grew more hectic with studies, exams and what not…. Nature gradually failed to capture my interest. And, now when time is short to enjoy all this, when the time to change my place of shelter is fast approaching, I think I am falling in love with this place all over again.

Then, there’s my classmates… my companions with whom I have shared so many joys and sorrows, triumphs and failures, tortures and revolts….Attachment doesn’t come easily to me ,but when I realize that I may not even see the majority of them again in this lifetime….

Its now that I realize how truly it is said that the depth of attachment and love can be clearly measured by the pain you feel when you get separated. Still, its ironical that I never knew that all this held a place in my heart until its time to let go…I didn’t know that I cared…Funny isn’t it?

The door to my next phase of life is open and its beckoning me.Whether I want it or not that’s my way, my life and somewhere there beyond that open door lies my future. And to me its full of beautiful promises.

Maybe, all those who came this way before me and had stood in this threshold had felt this confusion. Maybe, its not some thing new at all. Maybe, each and everyone who has stood in my place has felt this mixture of happiness and sorrow, same as me..Only, this time, its my turn. Only the player has changed, the feeling is just the same.. And many more will follow me, the years to come..

I believe in God.
I believe in my future.
I choose to be happy.

I am happy.